Man Pleasers

While reading Audre Lorde's article in the Cancer Journals I was so upset at the way her first visit to the doctor after her surgery went. I kept thinking how I would have felt if I was in that situation, to leave the house for the first time, after getting my hair done and putting on one of my favorite outfits and convincing myself that I am perfect just the way I am and that my partner will love me with just one breast because it doesn't really matter who I am on the outside as much as who I am on the inside. But once she arrived at the doctor and was greeted by the nurse who seemed to have been in support of her, I could not believe that the nurse, a woman, told Audre that she was bringing down the morale of the doctor's office by not wearing a prosthesis. What kind of doctor's office is that, I thought that they were supposed to be one of the best breast cancer oncologists offices and instead it seemed as if they were a plastic surgeon's office; more concerned about the appearance of the patient than the patient's actual well being. Lorde was right on target when she said that women are judged by their outside appearances; how beautiful we are on the outside, and our bodies seems to determine our worth, not our intelligence or our personalities. I sometimes find myself wondering if my boyfriend would still love me if I cut my hair, or gained weight or changed any other form of my appearance and although he always assures me that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am, that is the problem; I'm only beautiful to him in this way and if anything were to change there is a possibility that I will no longer be as beautiful. I wonder if Audre was onto something when she said that in her experience women love based on the inside, because I sure feel like men love strictly based on the outside appearance and anything else is just a bonus.

All Oppression is Connect

Rosemarie Garland-Thomson’s “Integrating Disability, Transforming Feminist Theory” is an article that really clarifies ways in which “all oppression is connected.” In the article, Garland-Thomson aim’s to find the parallels between feminist theory and disability studies and she does so in such a unique way that it is apparent that these two different fields of study are intertwined and can contribute greatly to each other. According to Garland-Thomson, “Integrating disability [with feminist theory] clarifies how the aggregate of systems operates together, yet distinctly, to support an imaginary norm and structure the relations that grant power, privilege, and status to that norm” (577). This quote is important because it brings us directly to the source of all problems and shows why “all oppression in connected”: because it grants power, privilege, and status to normalcy. For disability studies and feminist studies, the ideas of normalcy that are being challenged vary slightly. Being able-bodied is considered normal for the former and being a man is considered normal for the latter. These ideas of normalcy are problematic because they have become institutionalized in our society and serves to justify the legitimization of “unequal distribution of resources, status, and power within a biased social and architectural environment” (577). Similarly, the way that sexism in so deeply embedded in our society today and is used to preserve male privilege, Garland-Thomson draws a comparison with disability studies, where privilege is reserved for able-bodied people.

Garland-Thomson divided the article into four main sections (representation, the body, identity, and activism) to provide more examples of ways in which feminist theory and disability studies can help each other and create a more enriched discourse. In representation she discussed ways in which acting out femininity is associated with being disabled. In fact, in the article, she cites a study that states women who act out femininity are viewed as incompetent in the same way elderly people and disabled people are view incompetent. In the body section, she makes a wonderful point to start of saying that very early in history, body ideals were worshipped and not imitated but today, body ideals are the model that everyone seeks to attain (579). She goes on to discuss the similarities between reconstructive surgery, a procedure that is typically aimed at people who what to eliminate disability to become more “normal”, and cosmetic surgery, a popular procedure that offers people “solutions” to their beauty problems and helps them look beautiful based on the normal standards of beauty in society. In this respect, Garland-Thomson believes that a woman trying to change the shape of her nose is no different from a person attempting a breast reduction procedure to allow their greater functionality and reduce back pain. Now I appreciate the way that Garland-Thomson structures this article because it allowed me to see the ways we overlook similarities between different groups that are oppressed in society. Acknowledging our similarities and differences and uniting to reject the normative standards to oppress us will make each different field of study. This also changed my way of looking at disability. I’ve read Garland-Thomson’s work before but this article allowed me to see things clearer. In a way, feminist women are part of the oppressive system if we don’t acknowledge that we have privileges for being able-bodied in ways that disabled people don’t. This article really shows us how “all oppression is connected.” Towards the end of the article, Garland-Thomson notes that feminism embraces paradoxes and this is important when we are trying to draw comparisons between two equally oppressive fields. We will always find differences that challenge our views but we must not ignore them.

Casulties of War

In the Cancer journals, Audre Lorde candidly expressed her undergone turmoil after her mastectomy. I was surprised to learn of the trials she faced within the confines of the cancer facilities. I was instantly pierced with sadness for her when she spoke about the doctors refusing her the right to cope in a more totallistic way and instead by getting a prosthetic breast. Their disregard for her feelings, emotions, welfare, and rights as a person were nothing short of heteronormative structures that are designed to suppress anything that steps out of that exclusive category that we all must fit in. It baffles me to see that even women look at their sisters and subject them to the harsh structures designed by male oppressions that were never in our favor to begin with. The American Cancer Society and Research was negligent in their recovery piece. When was it ever healthy to cope with pain by overcompensation and replacement? In every psychology journal, textbook, and study the number one hurdle to overcome is denial and must be resisted for personal development and recovery, knowledge understood at least by all professionals. But when women are in search for health they are anomalous subjects that mustn't disturb the morale of the office. Are cancer patients recovering from breast amputation not considered in this theory? Its as if their pain, new found hope, and body transition is trivialized and they must be treated like children like when a little boy or girl loses a toy and to pacify them their parents immediately hand them another one as if they are too feeble minded to realize they are without their original. Also, this concept of womanhood being defined by appearance only is immensely problematic but it is not until more women like Audre Lorde activate the demand for revering women totally instead of dissecting her according to perceived beauty. I loved when she eloquently asserted the unjust contrast between herself and prime minister Moishe Dayan highlighting that they in fact were not too different in regards to their societal defined "handicaps" one being without an eye and the other a breast; however, they were accepted differently because the prime minister's scar was a result of the warrior in him and the ability to defeat war while Audre Lorde was constantly told to hide her scar as if her fight was less significant. Such association demonstrates the interconnection of what is true and what is believed, or our epistemology, possessed by our exclusive society and how unlikely we are to embrace everyone. The parallel between Dayan and Lorde is based on patriarchy, male privilege, and male heroism while dismissing women as they are often made to feel like the "mules of the world". I feel that too often woman are viewed as the trophy piece or the compliment to a man; therefore, when her "beauty" is altered she is left worthless since she no longer has anything to contribute or satisfy her man. Again, why is it that our appearances define our worth or how we should be valued? Does her spirit, health, intelligence, emotions, interests, passion, talent, love and undefined uniqueness at all matter? I thought about this during Easter when my family constantly remarked on my hair, clothes, shoes, and smile. How mature of a style I had developed and how beautiful I am. I heard it so much that at dinner I just asked them to stop! Not once did anyone ask me about why I had been so quiet, how I was coping with the loss of my friend, how I have transitioned into a new major, why did I change, what are my new experiences, how my community service was that I was so passionate about, nothing at all. I was so frustrated and asked them if all they thought of me was this pretty face in an empty suit...while they all were shocked and of course said that they loved me and cared about all of me I began to wonder how this affects my other sisters struggling daily just to have their realities minimized to this fading, one dimensional beauty. What I am saying is that we as people must be less concerned with appearance and focus on the true beauty of individuals so other people don't feel like they must hide their scars because by doing so we are forcing them to hide themselves.....
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” Audre Lorde

Disabilities & Society

Audre Lorde’s essay “Breast Cancer: Power vs. Prosthesis” from the Cancer Journals speaks on how much emphasis is placed on appearance and illusion. As a black lesbian feminist she didn’t worry about no longer appealing to men or that having had a mastectomy would make others uncomfortable. Lorde’s focus was on remaining healthy and surviving cancer but she wasn’t allowed to experience and work through the change she’d just experienced. Instead there was immense pressure to don a prosthetic breast to put others at ease.

I can’t imagine having to push your feelings aside and just pretend that nothing had changed. Even in surviving breast cancer the focus on a woman’s appearance never lessens. When are you off the hook of the expectations of society?

Susan Wendell states that “social conditions affect people’s bodies by creating or failing to prevent sickness and injury.” (p. 36) Lorde also mentions the politics of the health industry in her essay. Unfortunately time and again the priority is on profits instead of healing. Not much is done about preventing diseases, unhealthy habits are actually endorsed. The availability of cheap unhealthy food contrasts how expensive it is to purchase organic nutritious food.

Willie Mae Clark...RIP

In reading both Audre Lorde's pieces entitled "A Burst of Light: Living With Cancer" and "Breast Cancer: Power vs Prothesis," I couldn't help but think about my aunt. She died twelve years ago this past January of breast cancer. Because I was young at the time, I do not recall very much of her struggle with breast cancer however I do recall a specific moment when I was at her house following her diagnosis and subsequent battle with cancer. I'm going to assume she was talking to my father in her room (she was his sister). I cannot recall if the door was closed or not but somehow I managed to enter the room. I do not know the specifics of the conversation but they are not relevant to this post. The purpose of this story is that when I entered my aunt's room it was the first, and quite possibly the only time I ever say my aunt without a wig on following the loss of her hair as a result of chemotherapy treatments. When they realized I had entered the room, my aunt quickly put on her wig before pulling me onto her bed. I haven't thought of that moment probably since my aunt died but reading Lorde's account of how she was supposed to potentially sacrifice her comfort for the sake of "office morale" called the memory forth. I do not know if my aunt had her breasts removed but my gut instinct is telling me she did. Regardless, her immediate move to place a wig on her head to seemingly ensure my comfort made me wonder about how many women wear wigs or prosthetic breasts to make society comfortable with their bodies when they may in fact have accepted their new bodies without hair and/or breast (s). Because I was young, as stated above, I cannot tell you what emotions I felt upon seeing my aunt, who had always maintained a healthy head of hair, without any but I know it was not fear. I would like to believe it was more intrigued shock. I knew in my heart this woman was my aunt and the person I was looking at resembled my aunt...only different. So it was simply a matter of assessing/accepting the difference and moving on. Reading these small pieces of Lorde's battle with cancer opened my eyes to the battles women face with society once they've fought their battle with cancer. Because society is sooo quick to tell a woman what is best for her without even asking what she believes is best for herself, many women subject themselves to uncomfortable even health hazardous procedures in an effort to appease society's discomfort with their identities. To change this, I believe society needs to look at these women similar to the same way I saw my aunt that one time. The fact that these women have had physical alterations to their appearances does not change the people they were before cancer so simply accept the difference, respect their decisions for their bodies...and move on.

"Integrating Disability, Transforming Feminist Theory"-by Rosemarie Garland-Thomas

In reading the article by RoseMarie Garland-Thomson, it allowed me to understand another of the privileges that I have as an able-bodied person. My mother's skill as a sign language interpreter allowed me to enter the "silent world," also known as the deaf world. Notice I say deaf, as opposed to the phrase "hearing impaired." Men and women who fall into this community
despise the phrase "hearing impaired," because they have pride-Deaf Pride. They do not view their inability to hear as a dysfunction, but rather as the gift of speaking with one's hands, and being able to see another world. All too often in the feminist movement, we seem to have this one-sided view of what a woman is supposed to look like. In "Integrating Disability. . .," Garland-Thomson states that "integrating disability does not obscure our critical focus on the registers of race, sexuality, ethnicity, or gender, not is it additive." I would like to add that it would be very hypocritical of the feminist movement not to incoporate the ideologies of persons with certain inabilities that are not of the general population, in addition to the many discriminations that they face because of cultural definitions of normativity. The overall definition of "disability" is also challenged in the article. Garland-Thomas further states that "disability is a culturally fabricated narrative of the body, similar to what we understand as the fictions of race and gender." To hear this particular statement is absolutely amazing for it allows us, as women, to understand how even the term "disability" is one that incorporates blatant patriarchal notions. One must also understand that at certain points in history, specifically during ancient Greece, women's bodies were viewed as being that of deformed men. To my recollection, I believe it was the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates who said "why educate a woman, she is only a castrated male." So the ideology of disability is heavily linked with gender, from a historical point of view. In the section on "The Body," Garland-Thomson goes on to address the fact that certain technological innovations (i.e. the corset, the body brace, and etc.) were created as a result to create the ideal "docile body"-specifically for women. With such analysis taking place, it is very disturbing that "able-bodied" women in the women's movement have perpetuated these same oppressive notions onto our sisters, whose bodies do not fit society's view of the "normal body." In referring to my previous statement, I greatly admire members of the deaf community on their ownership of the term as a gift. To embrace the ideology of being deaf as a beautiful thing is a form of activism against a system that would view their inability to hear as a negative.

Ignoring Disabilities!

The article, “Integrating Disability, Transforming Feminist Theory”, by Rosemarie Garland-Thomson, explains the rise of disability studies and the possibility of its integration into feminist theory. A person’s disability can be compared to a person’s race, sexuality, class, or ethnicity (575). Garland-Thomson asserts that society’s perception of disability studies is similar to feminist theory. Society perceives feminist and disability studies as irrelevant because they are outside the mainstream. Garland-Thomson’s argument is that disability studies can benefit feminist theory and vice versa. She compares the studies and how they can be intertwined.

In the “Cancer Journal”, Audre Lorde explains her experience living with breast cancer and after mastectomy surgery. As a Black Lesbian Feminist, she was not concerned about whether a man would love her differently after her surgery. She was assured that her female partner would love her unconditionally. Lorde stresses the importance of women valuing their lives instead of their appearances. Many women will die of breast cancer without receiving a mastectomy therefore; women should consider their lives over their body appearances. She states that “losing a breast is indefinitely preferable to losing one’s life” (63). After women have their breast amputated, they are required to go to counseling with the American Cancer Society’s Reach for Recovery and soon after receive prosthesis to cope with losing a breast.

The problem with the cosmetic surgery after a mastectomy is the reinforcement of the societal perception that women are measured by their appearance. Lorde describes that a woman who receives cosmetic surgery to restore her breast “mourn[s] the loss of her breast in secret, as if it were the result of some crime of which she were guilty” (58). In the journal, Audre Lorde explains how she wants to display her missing breast because it is her battle scar as a survivor and warrior against cancer. She asserts that women who cover their missing breast with prosthesis or silicone gel hide themselves from other women who have had mastectomies as well.

“Integrating Disability, Transforming Feminist Theory” and “Cancer Journal” relate because they both advocate the perspectives of disabled women. Audre Lourde speaks from her perspective as a Black Lesbian, disabled (not really) woman. Lorde explains that a person’s body should not define his/her existence. Garland-Thomson depicts the stigma that is attached to people with “various bodily variations” (577). After reading these pieces, I realized how much disability is overlooked in scholarship. There is also an underlying theme in both texts implying that disabled women are beautiful despite the society’s standards of beauty. When I took my Intro to Women’s studies course, we did not discuss the disabled perspective. I am determined to make a conscious effort to address the perspective of the disabled.

A Burst of Light

When Reading "A Burst of Light:Living With Cancer" written by Audre Lorde gave me an insight to the experiences that women living with cancer truly experience.  Cancer is an overwhelmingly real condition in our society, that many people face but few ever understand the pain they experience personally.  Reading about Lordes' personal experiences made the cancer experience real compared to being learned about on the surface.  For someone to describe the feelings of them preparing for death and just holding on is remarkable.  I've never thought about what I want to do with the rest of my life and how I want to spend the remainder of my time when death is on the line.  Living each day as your last truly made sense when I read this article.  The honesty expressed in the article allowed the reader to have a genuine experience to learn about cancer patients and what they have to face more than the superficial physical changes.  

I've personally been lucky to not have any of my immediate family affected by cancer, but my "aunt" who is the surrogate mother of my cousin was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  My little cousin who is only 3 watched her "birth" mother in the process of her having her breasts altered and loss of hair.  Although this is the process for any cancer patient, I was very aware of how my cousin handled the situation.  There were communication barriers, because its hard to explain to a child why her mom is constantly in the hospital and why she looks different than other mommies.  But honesty was the best policy in the situation.  Hiding the fact that her mom was sick would only make the issue harder in the long run.  This reminded me of the issue with intersex children and parents telling them of their "condition" while they are young.  Although it was a struggle for my cousins mom to be in and out of the hospital I believe it was a blessing in disguise.  Given that my cousin had two mommies, it was an opportunity for the surrogate mother and second mom to relate on a more personal level.  The struggles and the concern not even for the mom with cancer, but my little cousin put life into perspective.  Making decisions to cherish the time that may have only been left was all focused on the little girl.

This article gave an opportunity for the reader to see Lorde's personality and her emotions while she was facing a life-changing issue. It taught me to appreciate life and anything I can do to protect my body for the temple it truly is.   

the breast diaries

The entire time I was reading Audre Lorde’s edition in The Cancer Journal, I kept thinking about my grandmother. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago. Lorde’s reaction to her finding the lump in her breast and dealing with having to have a mastectomy was very similar to my grandmother’s reaction. However, Lorde’s opposition to wearing a prosthetic breast was different. My grandmother had a difficult time losing her hair and breast. My mother, her caretaker and main supporter, reassured her that her health was more important than her looks. My grandmother always was a stickler for fashion and loved to dress up each and every day from head to toe. Losing two of her favorite physical attributes made the transition in caring more for her health difficult. I, too, have tried to reassure my grandmother that hair can grow; besides, she wore wigs to cover her beautiful hair when she had hair anyway. Audre Lorde’s description of the negative affects of the emphasis on physical pretense during a woman’s recovery were totally logic yet all too common. I can feel the pain in Lorde’s writing as she describes how society has influenced the ideology that to be woman is to be superficial (you know, that ‘women are to be seen and not heard’ kind of thing). I felt insulted when a nurse told Lorde that her walking around without a prosthetic was “bad for the morale of the office”; I felt it to be more appalling that it came from a woman who, supposedly, understands what women with breast cancer are dealing with. My grandmother has a prosthetic breast and she only wears it when she’s out in public. She’s mentioned to me on several occasions that she’s self-conscious and does not think she will ever feel comfortable again. I have watched my grandmother through the years suffer tremendously with almost every health issue known to man and as a result, she is currently inflicted with severe depression which affects everyone in the household. My mother and I have been remotely active in any and every breast cancer convention, workshop, and walk, and so on to educate ourselves in preventing the same thing to happen to us and the rest of the women in our family and to continue to support my grandmother. It’s funny that Lorde mentioned the “profit-hungry/marketing scheme the American Cancer Society has going because I just mentioned to a friend last week at a Breast Cancer Forum that it is amazing how much money these “Breast Cancer” companies are making. They have an entire marketing strategy, from the “pink ribbons” to paying cancer survivors to go around the world to talk about their experiences…Capitalism at its best. I hope that more and more women realize that preventing the reoccurrence of cancer and any other illness, educating all the women they know and reflecting internally about what is really important to their body image, self-image and health instead of pleasing others is vital to them being alive and staying alive. I will be sure to share this with my grandmother hoping she will realize that the beauty she has always possessed never faded away.

(re: picture- woman in pink: my grandmother, 2nd from left-me, others: members of SHAPE @ annual breast cancer walk 2006)

a burst of light

Audre Lorde’s attempts of exercising every option she has in detecting new cancerous cells and liver tumors before having to go through another strenuous and potentially dangerous procedure seems to me to be the most logic and safe thing to do. However, even when it comes to a person’s health, or more importantly, their life, money by all means have priority. It is sad to think of how many people have to live with painful and chronic illnesses without getting help because they aren’t covered or insured. It is even more painful to think of all those who have died just because they have not paid a monthly bill to a company who will probably receive more money from paying customers than they [the insurance company] will probably dish out to cover certain procedures and etc. I commend Lorde on her initiative to seek all of the facts pertaining to her health. How can one put their life in the hands of a person, who supposedly attended years of rigorous schooling, who only cares to see that he or she is making a profit instead of meeting the individual needs of each and every individual patient?
I often find myself begging and pleading with my grandmother to actively and patiently seek a whole new slew of doctors because I honestly believe that she is her doctors “money making machine”. She told me recently that she’s going to start showing only one of her medical cards because every time she pull out ALL of her medical insurance cards her doctors quickly find something else “wrong” with her and want to “poke” her someone else, give her this treatment/surgery and dope her up on more medication. I believe she takes at least ten pills a day and has two extra large zip-loc bags full of medicine and has to take them everywhere she goes (and I PROMISE I am NOT exaggerating). She is equivalent to any other drug addict because at this point in her life, after years and years of being on these drugs, her body is totally dependent on them. She has also gone through two “spells” within the last year where she literally goes psycho on everyone around her causing us to worry about the mental affects these drugs have on her. I tell her all the time that her doctors are taking advantage of her but she gets angry and does not want to listen. I also tried to get her to take a “natural” approach to her ailments but she chooses to give up and not fight “those battles” Lorde talks about. Knowing what I know now and what my grandmother is going through, I now know that I have a responsibility to my body and my health and have dedicated myself to stay active in exercising and educating myself about…myself.

I'm Living with Cancer...

LIVING WITH CANCER, when I first read the title of the reading I smiled because I had written a poem with the same title. As I countinued to read the journal my smile faded. I was reading my feelings and experience. I too, felt like battle lines were drawn up within my own body. Like Audre Lorde I had received treatment at a leading cancer hospital in New York City. I too received a plastic card. I too was infanitlized as this older white male proceeded to tell me about the war going on in my body. I too heard the phrase "well you look like an intelligent girl" when I questioned the effects the toxic chemicals I allow into my body every other Wednesday.

Like Audre Lorde, I felt rage. I dealt with so many emotions. I felt out of control. I spent the last day of finals through New Year's Day in the hospital. I was diagnosed on December 18, 2007 with Hodgkin's Lymphoma after spending 11 days in a hospital bed in Atlanta. I had been tested for almost every disease possible. I was almost pronounced DEAD on Christmas day. I had been given drugs of all types. One was so potent that it produced acute kidney failure. I was on dialysis for two and a half days (thanks to the Creator) and not the few weeks the doctors predicted. For three hours I would lie in the dialysis unit and watch my blood enter and exit my body through tubes through my jugular. Because I had failed to ask questions, because I had entrusted these older white men with my black female body I was throwing up my insides. I could not urinate. I had no appetite. I lost weight, I became a mere 116 pounds. I felt physical and psychological pain of every type. From surgical pain, to the pain of hating myself for not questioning the medication I was allowing to be put into my body, to the pain of having my bone marow removed without adequate anesthesia, to the pain of having tubes pushed down my throat, to the pain of having blood drawn every day two times a day for twenty days, to the pain of having privileged doctors try to subliminally undermine me and my intelligence, to the pain of loneliness, to the pain of not feeling like the young woman I once was.

Reading the journals showed me how important it is to ask questions to take control of yourself. I gained strength. Reading the realness in her words did not make me feel as alone. Lourde describes life and living with cancer as a battle and I agree. "Attending my own health, gaining enough information to help me understand and participate in the decisions made about my body by people who know more medicine that I do , are all crucial strategies in my battle for living," this is a quote I have been living by since I was diagnosed with cancer. I have been victorious come very far within the last four months and "each victory must be applauded because it is so easy not to battle at all." Everyday is a battle but I perservere.

Cancer: My living experience

Growing up cancer was something I did not hear much about. I thought and still think it comes from all the damn chemicals in food, etc. But that's another topic. Cancer growing up was something that seemed to be on the uprise. While I was in high school my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer and three months later her daughter (my aunt) was diagnosed was breast cancer. Both survivors but that did not mean that they did not struggle. My 66 year old Aunt and my 84 year old grandma. Both fighters, both survivors, both incredibly strong African-American women. However, let me add that my grandma now also have bone cancer. She's 84. Can you believe that 84 years old and she is still kickin.

Me every Tues & Thurs (ya I took pictures)

The readings in the past of course have touched me being a black woman opening my eyes to so many things just life let's pass us by. But this one hit a little closer to home. My family's cancer stories which I always kept at a distance selfishly because I didn't not want to hear about them. I did not want to hear how I could possibly lose two of the closest people to me. I had heard terror and horror stories about how cancer bullshit is claiming so many lives. But now... it lives with me. I can no longer push it away like it was "something" off in the distance and ignore it. I can't ignore taking 6 pills a day. I can't ignore going in for radiation therapy every Tuesday and Thursday. I can't ignore sometimes waking up feeling sick as a dog. I can't ignore everyone telling me how tired I look asking me what's wrong. I can't ignore people wondering why I no longer dress up like I used to. For the people who do know I can't ignore how frustrated I get sometimes when people ask if I'm alright even though they're just trying to be nice and I just want to say to them dammit yes I'm fine shit I'm living.

I remember back in December while I was online and saw that Afeisha had cancer. I saw her facebook page and felt for her. I did not know at the time that I did too but I felt for her because I saw another amazing person that all of a sudden got this cancer mess. I put it like that because I'm still so angry.

While reading "A Burst of Light: Living with Cancer" I felt every little bit of how she felt. Here's my story. One day while sitting in the Waffle House on Howell Mill waiting for my food with some friends I rested my head on my hand. When I did that I got a sudden shoot of pain to the left side of my ear. I thought to myself "oh no not an ear ache." The next Monday I went to McVicar and they of course like they always do gave me some kind of medication and sent me on my way. It didn't work. I went back and I was like "hey listen I have this lump on my face what is it?" They felt it and sent me to a plastic surgeon. Yeah a plastic surgeon that's what I thought why in the world would I be going to a plastic surgeon BUT they said sense it was on my face if they had to cut it out a plastic surgeon should do it. WHAT?!? CUT IT OUT. CUT WHAT OUT? Oh yeah the lump in the soft tissue between my cheek and my jaw. What bullshit. I thought to myself I don't have time for this I'm trying to graduate. I looked at the paper, waited for the day of my appointment and went. It was over on 100 Baltimore behind Emory Crawford Long. I didn't realize that til after I drove around for ever trying to find it. When I got to the waiting room (thirty minutes early) I had to wait an additional hour (after verifying the insurance & filling out massive stacks of paperwork) just to even go back to the little room where they told me "the Dr. will be right with you." He wasn't. The doctor wasn't "right" with me for another 45 minutes. Let me add that the parking was $3 for the first hour and a $1 for every 1/2 hour after that. So I was at $6-7 dollars already and had not even seen a doctor yet. Well when he came in a medical school intern came in with him. Cool, I thought because medical school was where I was headed! The doctor put on a pair of rubber gloves and stuck his damn hand in my mouth and started prying his ass around. All while tears were streamign in my eyes because it hurt so bad all while he's asking "does it this hurt does it hurt here" HELL YEAH ASSHOLE YOU DON'T SEE THE TEARS FORMING IN MY EYES?!? I didn't say that but I wanted to. But let me get to the good part... he got a phone call while his little blue rubber hand was in my mouth. Did he answer it... YES! So while he spent the next 20 MINUTES ON THE PHONE IN FRONT OF ME, I thought I'd take that time to talk to the intern about the process and how things were going with medical school and see if he had any advice. Finally, the Doctor prescribed some medication, told me to eat alot of yogurt and the yucky watery substance on the top of it because that was "good" bacteria and I needed "good" bacteria because the medication he was giving me was in a sense going to shut down my immune system for a day trying to kill and get rid of all the "bad" bacteria.

Follow-up appt. At least this time it went a little more smoothly and quicker but he sent me over to Emory Crawford Long because the "mass" had not gone down for some x-ray that they don't even do anymore so instead I got a CT scan. CT scan came back the following day. Dr. called me in and told me to come in immediately.

When I got to the office he pulled me into the room and sat me down with this face. He asked first how old I was. I said in an asshole tone because I was frustrated with the damn medical system "don't you have my age on all that paperwork you made me fill out?" He said well Ms. Spencer the xray is showing what looks to be cancer. I was like ok and? And he was said we have to do this and that and this and that and if you don't do it soon it could spread and all the hard work you're doing might be for nothing. WHAT ASSHOLE? How are you going to tell me that my work is for nothing. God is good. ALL THE TIME! Don't give me that shit.

But here I am radiation twice a week. They say so far radiation is working. But all of the feelings Audre Lorde went through I had and still have. I think when we all that here those words "YOU HAVE CANCER" feel that same way. First you go through anger, frustration, depression, rejection, and finally if ever acceptance. I get tired of when I tell people they have that stricken look like "oh my gosh your life is over." Or that same comment "you seem so calm about it." Well hell ya I'm calm. What the hell else can I do about it. No sense in frustrating myself some more over something I cannot change such as the same revolutionizing moment Audre Lorde had in Barnes & Noble.

Before my worries were I need to work out and get my body back in shape, my hair looks crazy, I need to get my nails done, I have to do this assignment, etc. and now Thank you God for blessing me with another day. Literally you never know when it's your last. I know I'm going to the extreme but sometimes you have to do that for people to realize. Whoever reads this all the way through I know it's long but don't take anything for granted. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. And never miss a chance to say i love you, smile, laugh, or give thanks.

Cancer. What more can I say ?

This week's reading was not only interesting to me by its eye catching titles but it was also a time of reflection for me. As I began to see the titles for the this week's reading Integrating disability, Cancer journals, Fatness and Transgression the first thing that came to mind was that these are all health issues that women and men but mainly women deal with and face on a day to day basis.
I remember just weeks before I left home over Christmas break, my aunt came over and we had a talk about life, college, family , etc But after all we discussed she never did talk about the fact that she was dying of Breast cancer and it had spread from her breast to her bones in a matter of months. I have seen over the years friends and family die of this deadly disease one person can have it for 40 years and survive and another can have it for 4 weeks and be gone. Personally, I have not experienced the pain and struggle that these cancer patients have to go through but I have been in the midst of holding on right by their side. Being on their side when they take their very last breath, and the last person's hand I held was my aunt who died 2 days before I returned back to Spelman after Christmas break.
Although, my personal story probably had nothing to do with any of the readings off hand I felt the need to vent ad talk about how serious cancer can affect a person and how being healthy is in fact important. After telling my story about my aunt, it brought me back to the reading of " A burst of light: Living with cancer by Audre Lorde.
When reading the article by Lorde she begins by talking about her battle with cancer and how scared she was to know that this was something that she could really die of. As she battled with her cancer she explains how her life was changing as time went by what she thought was secure with her life she began to question. However, when she was trying to deal with her cancer and asks the doctors questions on things that she wanted to know and how to avoid they made her feel inferior she was just trying to educate herself on her condition.
Over the years and even now in the health care industry racism and sexism has become more then just a problem it has become a major issue for patients and their personal comfort. It was hard to believe in the early 1980's when Lorde was undergoing her situation they were talking down to her and I'm sure others as well based on their sex, gender and race. That shows to tell me now that nothing has change it is still presently in the health care system and lets say everywhere else. Women, men, and children all should have the right to ask as many questions as they like regarding anything especially their HEALTH !!!! Professionals in the health care industry need to understand that in order for you to be treated with fairness you must first give respect in order to receive it.

Audre Lorde

“A Burst of Light: Living With Cancer” by Audre Lorde were personal journal writings about her struggle with breast cancer. Reading how she wanted to continue her regular life while having breast cancer was very commendable. Two of my aunts have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer; one having to have both of her breast removed, and unlike Lorde they are not very open with their struggle with breast cancer. When Audre Lorde described the cancer as invading her body, she explains how scared she was, and how she felt when she knew she was going to die. Audre Lorde explains in detail, how her life was changing and how she began to question things in her life that she was once secure with. This genuineness and honesty Lorde writes with has given me a better understanding of why my aunts are not open with their feelings of coping with breast cancer. Once again I commend Lorde for sharing such intimate life changing events.

Feminist Disability Theory

Before reading this article I assumed that women with disabilities already saw themselves within “Feminist theory. Also when thinking of disability I had a narrow view that it was limited to reproductive issues and beauty. After reading the article I understood how women with disabilities seem not to be addressed, or included. When disusing feminist theory what is usually discussed is ethnicity and economic status. Garland-Thomson suggested that understating how disability is an identity category and cultural concept would enhance how we understand what it is to be human and our relationships with one another. I would agree; if disability was a part of the feminist theory more people would not view those with disabilities unreachable or in negative or helpless analysis.

my body, my choice

“A Burst of Light: Living With Cancer” by Audre Lorde was short in length but powerful in information. The way she depicts the sexism and racism within the healthcare system is truthful and insightful. Her battle with Breast Cancer eventually evolved into a battle with a possibly malignant tumor on her liver. Her suspicion to undergo a surgical biopsy was not accepted by the specialists she met with. She felt that it was her body and she should have some say in what happens to her own body. When she asked questions and dared to educate herself on alternative options for dealing with her condition, the doctors made her feel inferior and belittled. One specialist made several sarcastic comments regarding Lorde’s intelligence.
She understood that she was not as educated in the medical field as her doctors. However that should not give them permission to degrade her perspective on her body. As a woman with several serious medical conditions, I understand her desire to as questions and become educated on her condition. I also understand the desire to take control over one’s body in times of emotional, physical, and psychological turmoil.
It was difficult to believe that doctors in the late 1980s were still talking down to patients based on their sex/gender and race. The racism and sexism within the healthcare system needs to cease completely. Professionals in the healthcare system should allow patients to ask questions and be active participants in the treatment of their respective condition.

Just A Thought

After reading Rosemarie Garlan-Thomason's " Intergating Disability, Transforming Feminist Theory" a couple thoughts came across my mind: People without disabilities often misconceive relations with people with disabilities, who by definition are uncommonly limited in interacting with some aspects of the social environment, by drawing analogies from the standard amount of ways of relating. There is, moreover, a strong tendency to invoke inappropriate analogies. For instance, if a nondisabled person provides a physically limited adult with corporeal help similar to what a baby needs, there is an understandable but injurious temptation on the part of the help giver to conduct this interchange in the manner adults relate to children...interesting.

What Risks We Take in the Name of FEMININTY

"Obese abdomen and remaining pendulous breast" is what Audre Lorde's doctor wrote in his notes about her body after recovering from cancer! What in the heck?  How dare?  Focusing on menial, socially described, shallow guidelines of what constitutes femininity is absolutely absurd.  As a doctor, his primary responsibility is to help the sick become better.  In this case, Lorde was the sick; however, he was so enmeshed in the physique of a beautiful Black woman that he looked over the medical complications that she was having.  HE, not a her, was obviously influenced by the societal implications of femininity and masculinity.  I love the fact that Lorde as an "educated" Black woman did not take the doctor's words as a final say.  Rather, she did her own research to find answers of her.  She was not going to let a socially influenced doctor tell her what to do any further.  She really opened my eyes.  It never occurred to me that the concerns lesbian women have after a mastectomy differs from heterosexual women.  On one hand, heterosexual women are influenced by what society says a "true" woman is.  While, lesbian women's image is not influenced by societal standards of femininity and true womanhood.  Thus, after losing a breast (or maybe even both) their concerns lie in the realm of survival versus what are people going to think of me because I have lost what defines me as a woman? 

Just thinking about what causes breast cancer is quite freighting.  It almost brings me to the point of starvation or just choosing to be a vegan.  Those links between animal fat, hormone production, and breast cancer--this is why young girls are developing much earlier.   Another disturbing point that I would like to point out is the fact that Lorde told she would be disturbing the 'morale' of the clinic, if she did not in fact wear the prostheses breast! What in the heck? For her to make that decision it shows strength as well as her survival with cancer.  She (and I definitely) agree does not have to wear fake breast to appease society and the little militant functioning citizens.  She is an individual and the way in which she deals with her cancer differs from the norm.  Bringing up the point about the Prime Minister's eye was excellent in that illustrated the sexist undertones of the medical world.  It also demonstrates how the medical world is in fact influenced by the social world.  That is quite interesting to think about.  A prostheses allows an individual to do physical things for a real function.  Lorde points out that only fake breast were to appear in shape, size, and symmetry to onlookers or to at least yield external pressure.  It is obvious that there are differences that lie between men and women who receive prostheses.  There is no body part that is seemingly visible on men; thus, the pressure to wear a prostheses is absent.  However, the pressures that women like Lorde are rampant in order not to disrupt a social reality where lines between femininity and masculinity are well defined.  A world that is "woman-phobic."  It is this social construction of difference and body ideal that create the notions of dichotomous gender roles.

defining disabled

At the start of the semester we discussed a number of readings that dealt with how one can use a feminist lens to evaluate a particular social issue. Although I do consider myself a feminist, and when asked do not hesitate to say so, I have often struggled with understand what is meant by “feminist lens.” I believe a number of people take this to mean “examine the world as if men are the bad guys.” However, the article entitled, “The Rejected Body” was for me, a concrete example of using a feminist perspective to analyze an otherwise genderless social issue without putting men or women at the center of the controversy/conflict.
The article spoke about the definition or meaning of ‘disabled’ in our society and how the term is defined by using the strong, while, heterosexual male as the paradigm of able-ness. I had never considered this to be the meaning of disabled and now realize that we do not define individuals by what they are able to do instead we define them by what they are not able to do under particular circumstances. This may not seem all that profound but it is really interesting to me because it is this kind of nonsensical categorizing that serves to divide populations. We often talk about how we, as black women, are “othered” because we are NOT white and NOT male. Our population is determined only based on how it opposes the norm. I digress.
This article focused on how the system perpetuates social injustices. The point was not that the disabled are being held back by ‘the [strong, white, heterosexual] man.” The point was that we uphold the idea that the strong, white, heterosexual man is the paradigm by forcing others to fit into the mold created by systems solely for the paradigm. I am capable of walking up stairs and am comfortable using them however, just because I am able in this way does not mean that others could not have access to my final destination if another route were offered.

Women in Wheelchairs

When I attended Pepperdine University, before transferring to Spelman, I took a class on social justice in which we did a month long study on disabilities and the discrimination that often comes with those disabilities. I think that I planned on learning similar things from this article but I couldn’t have been more wrong. From the reading, “Integrating Disability, Transforming Feminist Theory” I understand the goal of feminist disability studies is “to augment the terms and conform the limits of the ways we understand human diversity, the materiality of the body, multiculturalism and social formations that interpret bodily differences.” Our society has accepted several things as normal: walking on two legs, having ten figures and ten toes, clear skin, pleasant body odor, the ability to walk, the ability to control one’s bodily functions and the list goes on. I would never think that being a woman could be considered “abnormal” in our society. I guess because I have always lived in a world of men and women. I do not understand how anyone, man or woman, could think being a female as a disability. The only person who could rightfully hold that opinion was probably Adam, because when he saw Eve he could have rightfully concluded that her swollen breast, lack of penis and hour glass form were all malfunctions from God. I agree that there are some forms of womanhood that can be considered disabling. Much like the example that was given about Sarah Bartmaan’s big butt or another example is large breasted women who experience back pain or the inability to lie on their backs and watch television. However, much like Sarah Bartmaan was considered a “freak” so were many others, of different races and genders who had exaggerated features, like the man who had a lot of hair was labeled “Monkey man” and I am sure there are a lot of men with horse sized penises that are considered freaks of nature. I do not think that this phenomenon of feminine disability is valid. Much like a woman who has a beard can be considered abnormal, so can a man who has large breast or hips. Most of the times I strongly support the ideas that are presented in women’s studies, but at times I feel that some points are exaggerated or vaguely true. I do feel that Rosemarie Garland-Thomson was on to something when she started analyzing female disability but I think her argument would be strengthened if she considered how these ideas of normality affect men as well.

On a more personal note, it is amazing how physical disabilities affect the lives of women. For example, a woman who is deaf, missing a leg or has a distorted body figure is very unlikely to get married; however a man experiencing similar things is still very likely to marry and lead a normal life. It disappoints me how much men are physical beings. I admire women’s ability to look past the outside and appreciate what’s inside. Guy’s are so gross sometimes. Ugha.

The Nerve...

This week’s readings were very eye opening as they gave me a personal account of someone dealing with breast cancer; an experience I can not even begin to imagine. My best friend’s mother was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after our graduation from high school. I remember her trying her best to hide her pain from us so that we could concentrate on our studies, but there came a time when she couldn’t hide it anymore because she needed our help. There were some days when my best friend wasn’t able to take off from work to take her mom to her doctor’s appointments, that’s where I would fill in and take her spot. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the specific readings, but I felt it necessary to share that I, like I’m sure many people, have been very close to someone that has had to cope with breast cancer.


In the article “Rejected Body” author Susan Wendell really dissected the ideas behind disabilities. What really caught my attention was that a lot of the disabilities people have to deal with are caused by the carelessness of the humans on this planet. It baffles me how we then have the nerve to look at them in fright or disgust when it is the pollution from our cars that potentially made their disability possible. The other short article by Audre Lorde to me served as the emotion behind the trauma of dealing with breast cancer. For those of us that have not experienced it, gave us a window to feel what she might have been feeling to a certain degree.


After reading “The Cancer Journals” I was first extremely upset with the way Audre Lorde was treated while in the hospital. The option (and the word option is important) to wear a lambswool puff after a mastectomy is up the woman. A breast cancer survivor should not be expected to wear it if she chooses not to, nor should she be pressured into having surgery to recreate her breast. Moreover, she should definitely not be chastised for her decision to reject those methods. Audre Lorde isn’t saying that those methods are bad and that as a woman people should reject those methods, she’s simply saying that it should be a choice left up to the woman and that the woman should be given enough time to evaluate what has just happened to her before her doctor floods her with information. Office moral or getting fired from her job should be the last thing in a survivors mind. Lorde did raise my spirits a bit in her decision to DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR HER! Her refusal to conform to societies standards because her feminity was not defined by her breasts was very empowering for me and I haven’t even had to go through what she has.