Cancer: My living experience

Growing up cancer was something I did not hear much about. I thought and still think it comes from all the damn chemicals in food, etc. But that's another topic. Cancer growing up was something that seemed to be on the uprise. While I was in high school my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer and three months later her daughter (my aunt) was diagnosed was breast cancer. Both survivors but that did not mean that they did not struggle. My 66 year old Aunt and my 84 year old grandma. Both fighters, both survivors, both incredibly strong African-American women. However, let me add that my grandma now also have bone cancer. She's 84. Can you believe that 84 years old and she is still kickin.

Me every Tues & Thurs (ya I took pictures)

The readings in the past of course have touched me being a black woman opening my eyes to so many things just life let's pass us by. But this one hit a little closer to home. My family's cancer stories which I always kept at a distance selfishly because I didn't not want to hear about them. I did not want to hear how I could possibly lose two of the closest people to me. I had heard terror and horror stories about how cancer bullshit is claiming so many lives. But now... it lives with me. I can no longer push it away like it was "something" off in the distance and ignore it. I can't ignore taking 6 pills a day. I can't ignore going in for radiation therapy every Tuesday and Thursday. I can't ignore sometimes waking up feeling sick as a dog. I can't ignore everyone telling me how tired I look asking me what's wrong. I can't ignore people wondering why I no longer dress up like I used to. For the people who do know I can't ignore how frustrated I get sometimes when people ask if I'm alright even though they're just trying to be nice and I just want to say to them dammit yes I'm fine shit I'm living.

I remember back in December while I was online and saw that Afeisha had cancer. I saw her facebook page and felt for her. I did not know at the time that I did too but I felt for her because I saw another amazing person that all of a sudden got this cancer mess. I put it like that because I'm still so angry.

While reading "A Burst of Light: Living with Cancer" I felt every little bit of how she felt. Here's my story. One day while sitting in the Waffle House on Howell Mill waiting for my food with some friends I rested my head on my hand. When I did that I got a sudden shoot of pain to the left side of my ear. I thought to myself "oh no not an ear ache." The next Monday I went to McVicar and they of course like they always do gave me some kind of medication and sent me on my way. It didn't work. I went back and I was like "hey listen I have this lump on my face what is it?" They felt it and sent me to a plastic surgeon. Yeah a plastic surgeon that's what I thought why in the world would I be going to a plastic surgeon BUT they said sense it was on my face if they had to cut it out a plastic surgeon should do it. WHAT?!? CUT IT OUT. CUT WHAT OUT? Oh yeah the lump in the soft tissue between my cheek and my jaw. What bullshit. I thought to myself I don't have time for this I'm trying to graduate. I looked at the paper, waited for the day of my appointment and went. It was over on 100 Baltimore behind Emory Crawford Long. I didn't realize that til after I drove around for ever trying to find it. When I got to the waiting room (thirty minutes early) I had to wait an additional hour (after verifying the insurance & filling out massive stacks of paperwork) just to even go back to the little room where they told me "the Dr. will be right with you." He wasn't. The doctor wasn't "right" with me for another 45 minutes. Let me add that the parking was $3 for the first hour and a $1 for every 1/2 hour after that. So I was at $6-7 dollars already and had not even seen a doctor yet. Well when he came in a medical school intern came in with him. Cool, I thought because medical school was where I was headed! The doctor put on a pair of rubber gloves and stuck his damn hand in my mouth and started prying his ass around. All while tears were streamign in my eyes because it hurt so bad all while he's asking "does it this hurt does it hurt here" HELL YEAH ASSHOLE YOU DON'T SEE THE TEARS FORMING IN MY EYES?!? I didn't say that but I wanted to. But let me get to the good part... he got a phone call while his little blue rubber hand was in my mouth. Did he answer it... YES! So while he spent the next 20 MINUTES ON THE PHONE IN FRONT OF ME, I thought I'd take that time to talk to the intern about the process and how things were going with medical school and see if he had any advice. Finally, the Doctor prescribed some medication, told me to eat alot of yogurt and the yucky watery substance on the top of it because that was "good" bacteria and I needed "good" bacteria because the medication he was giving me was in a sense going to shut down my immune system for a day trying to kill and get rid of all the "bad" bacteria.

Follow-up appt. At least this time it went a little more smoothly and quicker but he sent me over to Emory Crawford Long because the "mass" had not gone down for some x-ray that they don't even do anymore so instead I got a CT scan. CT scan came back the following day. Dr. called me in and told me to come in immediately.

When I got to the office he pulled me into the room and sat me down with this face. He asked first how old I was. I said in an asshole tone because I was frustrated with the damn medical system "don't you have my age on all that paperwork you made me fill out?" He said well Ms. Spencer the xray is showing what looks to be cancer. I was like ok and? And he was said we have to do this and that and this and that and if you don't do it soon it could spread and all the hard work you're doing might be for nothing. WHAT ASSHOLE? How are you going to tell me that my work is for nothing. God is good. ALL THE TIME! Don't give me that shit.

But here I am radiation twice a week. They say so far radiation is working. But all of the feelings Audre Lorde went through I had and still have. I think when we all that here those words "YOU HAVE CANCER" feel that same way. First you go through anger, frustration, depression, rejection, and finally if ever acceptance. I get tired of when I tell people they have that stricken look like "oh my gosh your life is over." Or that same comment "you seem so calm about it." Well hell ya I'm calm. What the hell else can I do about it. No sense in frustrating myself some more over something I cannot change such as the same revolutionizing moment Audre Lorde had in Barnes & Noble.

Before my worries were I need to work out and get my body back in shape, my hair looks crazy, I need to get my nails done, I have to do this assignment, etc. and now Thank you God for blessing me with another day. Literally you never know when it's your last. I know I'm going to the extreme but sometimes you have to do that for people to realize. Whoever reads this all the way through I know it's long but don't take anything for granted. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. And never miss a chance to say i love you, smile, laugh, or give thanks.